literature

The City of Demons - Chapter 1

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chris-ticehurst's avatar
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Literature Text

The heat of the fireplace warmed nicely and the shadow on the wall lightly showed a wine glass and a man rolling it around in his hand. The man was aged in his late thirties and a black walking cane leaned against his leather chair. A light sigh came out of his mouth when he heard a figure wandering past him. He took a slow sip of his drink and called out to the figure.

          "Chisoutsa, come over here. I have to talk to you."

A young woman walked over to the lounge and lye down over it. Short light brown hair and athlete slender body drooped over the lounge.

          "Does this place remind you of years ago?" the man asked the woman.

          "A little when I see old places in the city. But nothing good comes up Professor Walken," she answered.

Walken look away from Chisoutsa to the fireplace and lifted up his wine drink to his lips.

          "It's been four years since you came here last, when you were dumped in the back ally. Your recovery was more than amazing and the skills I have taught you, you have learnt very well. It's just your memory is the weakest link in your body," Prof. Walken commented.

Chisoutsa smiled little and sipped off her shoes to the ground and thought about her memory and her past. Since knowing Professor Walken she had never known her past. The last of the drink went down Professor Walken and he leaned to his left to grab his cane and stood up.

          "We're going for a drive. Show you around the place. Up you come," Professor Walken said to her.

Chisoutsa quickly rose from the lounge and watch her mentor wander over to the front door with the keys to his car.

          "What are we going to see?" Chisoutsa asked.

          "The world you used to live in," he answered opening the front door.

  

A sleek black vehicle slowly drove out of the mansion and went into the outside area of the city. Walken watched the road as he drove and Chisoutsa leaned on her arm watching the cars around her out the side window. She noticed the strangeness of the city with few cards and grey and brown buildings around the outside area of the city. Lone strangers wander the city streets and most of the traffic lights are broken and dirty.

          Why is the city so run down?" Chisoutsa asked Walken.

          "Only the outside of the city is run down Chisoutsa. Inside the central heart of the city is glowing of lights, action and buzz," Prof. Walken answered.

Chisoutsa look backed at Walken and smiled, "That sounds better."

          "And then government corruption, sex, drugs and murder. Good with the bad," Prof. Walken smiled back at Chisoutsa.

          "It's not like I haven't done most of them already," she replied.

          "Yes Chisoutsa. City of Demons is a mix bag. The danger and crime rules the outside of the city. The government corruption and mystery rules the inside and heart of the city," Prof. Walken explained to Chisoutsa.

Chisoutsa turned to see a toxic filled river where her eyes brighten with homeless people sleeping next to it. Gangs are trading drugs and guns on the spot. He turned back to Walken.

          "Is there any police in the City of Demons ?" she asked.

          "Yes and no. They only watch over the inside city section. But they are more bodyguards for the government parties and not for the people. You can see the first beautiful sight of the city of Demons . The Trouten River , named after one of the past majors and leaders of the City. It's been turned into a wasteland because of the government's growing disregard with the poorer people, especially since they forbid them from voting and ever voting is on the way out within secret sectors" Prof. Walken said.

The car turned a couple streets and entered the inside area when he quickly turned the car into a house and stopped. Prof. Walken opened the door and rose to his feet with his cane. Chisoutsa followed him up the driveway to the door.

          "Um, Walken where are we?" she asked.

          "At an old friend's place. He knows you too," he answered the girl.

He tapped on the door and leaned on his cane where he rubbed his poor leg alittle. The door flew open and the professor's old friend appeared.

          "Jonathan," the man smiled.

          "Charles my old friend," smiled the Professor, "This is Chisoutsa."

          "Welcome Chisoutsa. You have grown a lot in just four years. A young woman now," Charles spoke.

          "Thanks," she answered wondering why she was here.

          "Walken, why are we here for?" she rudely interrupted the pair.

          "Cause I wanted to visit a friend Chisoutsa. Be quiet, also to help you get to know the city better. Charles here knows a lot about the secrets of the city," Prof. Walken snapped at her.

Charles rubbed his head and half smiled at Chisoutsa and Prof. Walken, "Do come in and I'll get a drink. Red wine Jonathan?" Charles asked him.

The professor smiled and pointed his cane at him, "You know me too well Charles," he smiled and the group went inside and the door closed.
This is the very first Chisoutsa story made in the middle of 2005.
© 2007 - 2024 chris-ticehurst
Comments2
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magmanorn's avatar
I like your story. But I think you can improve in several areas.

1. You have weird phrasing in some places. (The first sentence sounds strange. "The heat warmed nicely." Warmed what?)

2. Your punctuation is also a little odd and/or missing in places. Example: Yes Chisoutsa. City of Demons is a mix bag.
That's supposed to be a comma after Chisoutsa, because he's midway through a sentence. Look up colon's, semi colon's and their uses.

3. Your tenses are a little confusing at times. Example: Gangs are trading drugs and guns on the spot. Since the scene has already happened, you should change "are" to "were" (Don't ask me to explain. It's also something with which I struggle)

4. If you're writing this just so it can be turned into a comic, you can ignore this point. If you intend to publish this as a novel, you need to build up on your vocabulary. Dialogue is fine in a story but you don't have enough descriptions. In the scene where Chisoutsa and Prof. Walken went to Charle's house, you glossed over the details and went straight to the introductions. I feel you could have improved if you inserted a little paragraph about the house and its surroundings. Was the house big? Victorian style? Was it beige coloured?

Besides that, try briefly mentioning what the characters were thinking/doing here and there in the dialogue. For example: "Charles my old friend," smiled the Professor, "This is Chisoutsa." The professor waved his hand at Chisoutsa.
Then the readers can picture the Professor gesturing at Chisoutsa while still looking at his friend.

I hope you plan on proofreading and editing your story.

Good luck.